…just to extend the holiday a bit. Along that line, this is the only post for today.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

As one frog said to the other, “How time is fun when you are having flies.”

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar; the Minister ducked.

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they’ve got a little poker game going — only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town’s strict anti-gambling laws. So they’re hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody’s kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.
“Look,” he says, “just tell me you weren’t gambling, and I’ll let you go.”
“Well,” says the priest, “gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative …” and so on.
“Fine,” says the judge, “You can go.”
The minister steps up. “It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really ..” and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.
“Well?” asks the judge. “Rabbi, were you gambling?”
The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. “Gambling? With who?”

A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Oh come on! We don’t serve chickens in here!”
The chicken says, “Do you know somewhere that does?”
The bartender says, “Yeah.”
The chicken asks, “Well, where is it?”
The bartender says, “It’s across the road.”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

…for the fun of it. My wife yells at me over elephant jokes, so here are these, instead.

Anansi the spider had a run in with a mosquito, a fly, and a moth.  To determine a winner, Anansi challenged them to a liar’s contest.
Mosquito tells a story of how he plants and harvests his father’s crops because he was very ill.  And to think he did all of this work before he was even born.  Anansi believed the story.
Fly’s story was he attacked a tiger, turning him inside out, freeing a sheep that the tiger swallowed whole.  Anansi believed fly’s story.
Moth told of his hunting expedition where he killed, then cooked an antelope in a high tree.  He was so full he could not climb down the tree to go home. So he got a rope from his house and lowered himself down from the tree and went home.  Again, Anansi believed the story.
Now Anansi told this story. He found a coconut and planted it. Overnight, the plant produced a tree with three coconuts. Chopping open the coconuts, from each flew a mosquito, a fly, and a moth.  Because the coconuts belonged to him its treasure belonged to him. So he decided to each them, but they flew away.
Anansi told them it was his lucky day because they were his mosquito, fly, and moth.  Knowing they had lost the contest, the three flew away in different directions.
Now if Anansi catches them in his web, he eats them as a reward for winning the liar’s contest.

I worked all morning building the best ground blind of my life. When I went out in the afternoon to go bow hunting I couldn’t find it.

I grew up in a family with 16 children. I never got to sleep alone until I got married.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

My grandson is the most persuasive liar I gave ever met. By the time he was 2 years old he could dirty his diaper and make his mother believe someone else had done it.

Recently I bought a new car. As usual, they filled the gas tank. My wife and I decided to take a trip to California, so we took off heading west. Our first stop was St Louis where I thought of filling up with gas. Checking the gas gauge, I saw it showed full so we went on. We continued west and at all points along the way the gas gauge continued to indicate full, so I didn’t buy any gas. We spent ten days in Los Angeles and then returned home. I was bewildered as to why I could go so many miles without adding gas.
Upon getting home I took the car back to the dealership where a mechanic soon found the problem. The gauge was stuck on full. He fixed it, and now the gauge drops toward empty when I drive, like everyone else’s.

My grandfather could hone a kitchen knife so sharp that grandma could slice off a piece of bread so thin it only had one side. To put butter on, you had to fold it first.

Your sister is so thin, she plays hula hoop with a Cheerio.

…for some humor.  Bear with me.

Many years ago I was in Wyoming elk hunting with a guide in prime grizzly-bear territory. Camped in an area with a host of bear tracks in the surrounding snow, I asked one evening how to stay safe from grizzly bears.
“First, tie bells to your shoes so they can hear you. Second, learn the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.”
I asked about the scatological difference.
“Grizz scat has bells in it.”

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the bear. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him.
“Are you a bear?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The bear replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs and the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”