It’s Funny Friday. By my stan dards.

I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1—and it did. Unfortunately all the others came in at 12:30.

What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

Some racehorses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won eight of them!”
Another horse breaks in: “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!”
“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!” says another.
At this point, the horses notice a greyhound, who has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”
The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog!”

Three boys see a fire engine with a dog go by and discuss what his job is. “Crowd control?” says one boy. “He’s the mascot,” says the second boy. The third boy nods sagely: “He finds fire hydrants.”

A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but this parrot is dead.”
“How can you tell so quickly?” replies the woman. “Isn’t there a way to be absolutely certain?”
So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head.
“A dog shakes its head and I’m supposed to believe that?!” cries the woman. “You’re going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!”
So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $500.
“$500?!” the woman asks. “How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?”
“Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but with that lab report and cat scan….”

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, “Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please.”
The barman says, “Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!”
The dog replies, “Why? Do they need electricians?

Some of what passes for my sense of humor….

It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically. Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would cause them to double up with pleasure. But of course, the most pleasure came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was so funny.
The first frog answered “Time.”
“Huh?” asked the third frog.
The second frog explained: “Time’s fun when you’re having flies.”

A king carried environmentalism too far when he prohibited hunting of any kind. Soon the realm was overrun with lions and tigers and bears.
“Oh My!” shouted the people. They revolted and threw the king out of the country. It was the first time the reign was called because of the game.

When Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb, he had trouble selling it. People just didn’t trust this “new” way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation.

What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.

What’s the best way to raise a baby elephant?
With a forklift.

Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.

Why are elephants so wrinkly?
Because ironing them takes way too long.

And that’s enough of that.

And I did not file for an extension.

What’s the difference between a tax auditor and a rottweiler?
A rottweiler eventually lets go.

There are just two rules for creating a successful accountancy business:
Number 1: Don’t tell them everything you know. Number 2: [Redacted]

I’m proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.
—Arthur Godfrey

A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.
—Senator Russell Long

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.
—Unknown

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it”, says the elderly guy. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”
The old guy says,”‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
The elderly guy removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. The old guy then says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell he isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. The elderly guy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with his attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” the elderly person asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
The old guy stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win, but the elderly guy’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when he told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Because it’s time….

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I don’t have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my television.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, IL. When I was twelve, I found them.

A man cut his thumb off with the bandsaw in his home workshop. Some responses by family:

Visiting him in the hospital, his wife says, “You just gonna lay there and twiddle your thumbs all day?”

Daughter: Rule of thumb: look before you cut.

Son: Doc says it shouldn’t affect your hand, but don’t count on it.

Wife again: Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, you could count how many times this happened on one hand.

Q. How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A. The blueberry is blue.

Q: How can you tell the difference between and elephant and a marshmallow?
A. The elephant won’t float when you put it into a cup of hot chocolate.

Q: What’s large, grey, and you can’t see it?
A: An elephant around the corner.

And finally—or maybe at last:

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they’re not laughing now.

For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”

You are my sweet Valentine. I like you like a fat kid likes cake.

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

If there’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day…it’s my wife.

What is the difference between a calendar and you?
A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember… Nobody loves you on any other day either.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you’re single. You’re going to die alone anyway.

I am not scared of getting dumped on Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14^th.

Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.