For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”

You are my sweet Valentine. I like you like a fat kid likes cake.

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

If there’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day…it’s my wife.

What is the difference between a calendar and you?
A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember… Nobody loves you on any other day either.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you’re single. You’re going to die alone anyway.

I am not scared of getting dumped on Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14^th.

Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Because it’s time, again.

Just to start things off, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

OK, that’s enough of that.

Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.

What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you….”

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the shopkeeper.
“Yes,” I replied. “And they have little heads, too.”

What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.

Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.

How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What’s big and gray and has horns?
An elephant marching band.

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, Mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can’t outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!”
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive….”

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To who?
It’s actually “to whom.”

And for the rest of you grammar nazis, understand that it’s

i before e … except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Yes, they are, too, funny. I say so.

The Symphony Orchestra was performing a concert in the park and was in the middle of playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.
The bassists in the back of the orchestra had a while to spare before they had to play anything towards the conclusion of the piece. So they decided they while they waited, they would quickly run across the street to grab a few beers at the pub.
Because it was a windy day, first they wrapped some string around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Then they ran across the road to the pub and ordered their beers.
Once at the pub, while enjoying their beers, the bassists could easily hear the music of the rest of the orchestra, and keep up with the progress of the piece. After finishing their beer, the bassists decided that they had the time to enjoy a few more.
By the time they had finished four or five drinks, they realized that they had better hurry, because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. Unfortunately, two of the bassists had passed out, and had to be left behind.
The others stumbled back onto the bandstand. But in their inebriated state, they fumbled with the string, desperately trying to get it loose but without success.
The conductor saw what was happening and immediately saw the situation. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the bassists were loaded, and two men were out.

 

What do you get when an elephant skydives?
A big hole.

What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
About 5 mph.

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Great big holes all over Australia.

 

“I need a pencil sharpener,” said Tom bluntly.

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

 

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Because it’s Friday.

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia, and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue, he’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers…

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air—but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room—and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room—and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”

And finally,

Q. There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn’t they get wet?
A. It wasn’t raining.

Q: How is an elephant like an apricot?
A: They are both gray. Well, except the apricot.

And it’s time for some humor.

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on on my TV.

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
– Joseph Connolly

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

Finally, some few readers might wonder why I don’t do a retrospective of the year just concluding. Why I don’t are illustrated as follows:

That great American philosopher, Satchel Paige:

Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.

And this, from Italian racing (or so I’ve heard), but that has wide applicability:

What’s behind me is not important.

Finally, finally, this bit, counter-tenor, from Michael Jordan:

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.