Jokes

It’s that time. Because I say so.

How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
I don’t know.
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.

How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.
No, you open the fridge, take out the elephant, then put the donkey in.

If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
The lion, of course, because it would eat all the animals.
No, it’s the donkey because it’s still inside the fridge.

Humor

Because we need some.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes….

That’s enough of that.

Humor

…just to extend the holiday a bit. Along that line, this is the only post for today.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

As one frog said to the other, “How time is fun when you are having flies.”

Because It’s Time

…for some humor.  Bear with me.

Many years ago I was in Wyoming elk hunting with a guide in prime grizzly-bear territory. Camped in an area with a host of bear tracks in the surrounding snow, I asked one evening how to stay safe from grizzly bears.
“First, tie bells to your shoes so they can hear you. Second, learn the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.”
I asked about the scatological difference.
“Grizz scat has bells in it.”

Time for a Break

Your momma’s so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Your momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Your mamma is so fat she doesn’t need the internet, because she’s already world wide.

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up.”

We Need a Break

It’s that time.  Suffer.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

It’s Time Once More

Some humor after a poet/playwright of some years past.  Bonus points if you can identify the person.

A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

His wit’s as thick as a Tewkesbury mustard.

I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

Thine face is not worth sunburning.

Regarding a letter:

By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her
very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her
great P’s.

An Interlude

Via Heatstreet (the article in front of this bit, on a separate matter, is worth the read, too: if it doesn’t angrify you, it’ll amuse you terribly).