For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”

You are my sweet Valentine. I like you like a fat kid likes cake.

Because it’s time, again.

Just to start things off, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

OK, that’s enough of that.

Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.

What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you….”

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the shopkeeper.
“Yes,” I replied. “And they have little heads, too.”

Yes, they are, too, funny. I say so.

Because it’s Friday.

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia, and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue, he’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers…

And it’s time for some humor.

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

Because it’s time, again….

Two men are going golfing, when one stops by the pro shop…
“I need to get a sleeve of balls, you want me to pick you up some?”
“No thanks. I just need this one.”
“Just one ball? What if you hit it deep into the woods?”
“Well, it makes a whistle after you hit it. Can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“What is its dark and you hit it into a sand trap?”
“Well, it glows in the dark. Can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“What if you hit it into the water? You’ll never find it.”
“Well, it floats. I’m telling you, you can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“Wow. That’s some ball. Where’d you get it?”
“Oh, I found it.”

And it’s the season….

I’ve been so bored this week that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!”
I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Notice t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome.
Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton,” w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

It’s that time. Because I say so.

How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
I don’t know.
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.

How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.
No, you open the fridge, take out the elephant, then put the donkey in.

If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
The lion, of course, because it would eat all the animals.
No, it’s the donkey because it’s still inside the fridge.

Because we need some.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes….

That’s enough of that.