Answering a question about the status of fiscal cliff negotiations, President Barack Obama said that his Republican colleagues oppose compromising with him because they oppose him personally, not because of the substance of any deal.
I don’t know if that just has to do with, you know, it is very hard for them to say yes to me. But, you know, at some point they’ve got to take me out of it, and think about their voters.
No worries, though. You’re likeable enough, Barack.
We Americans don’t get enough. So here’s one to help us do better in our modern, digital world. Disclaimer: You might want to take it easy on this one at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program. OK, here we go:
SCROLL DOWN…
NOW SCROLL UP…
That’s enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.
Or at least what passes for it in my house, with my very patient wife.
A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What do you want?”
The fish croaks, “Water.”A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. “Don”t you want the others?” asks the barman. “You”ve only had three of your whiskies.”
“Best not,” replies the man. “My doctor said it was only okay to have the odd drink.”Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
Captain Aubrey: “Do you see those two weevils, Doctor?…Which would you choose?”
Dr. Maturin: “Neither. There’s not a scrap of difference between them. They’re the same species of Curculio.”
Captain Aubrey: “If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there were no other option.”
Dr. Maturin: “Well, then, if you’re going to push me. I would choose the right-hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.”
Captain Aubrey: “There, I have you!…. Do you not know that in the Service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?”A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally (mercifully?)
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It’s full of elephants.Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can’t close the door.Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There’s an empty Mini parked outside.
The US Chamber of Commerce’s Institute for Legal Reform has settled on its view of the most ridiculous lawsuits of the just concluded year, borrowing from FacesOfLawsuitAbuse.org. As the Institute points out, the US has been the lawsuit capital of the world for some time, and foolishness like these cases contributes to the title.
We can’t blame this idiocy on government, however. I do have to wonder, though, at the lawyers who actually agree to take these things to court. They must know the frivolous nature, so I speculate about their motives….
The most idiotic case is one that also demonstrates an amazing degree of chutzpah. The criminal sues his victims because they didn’t keep their end of an extorted bargain.
Convict sues couple he kidnapped for not helping him evade police. A man who kidnapped a couple at knifepoint while he was running from the police is now suing the victims, claiming that they promised to hide him in exchange for an unspecified amount of money. The plaintiff, currently in jail, is seeking $235,000 for the alleged “breach of contract.”
Here are more examples of our idiocy, beginning with one for the psychiatrist’s couch. “It all began when I was little, and my mummy violated my Oedipus Complex….”
Young adults sue mother for sending cards without gifts and playing favorites. The plaintiffs, now 20 and 23, claimed the mother “sometimes didn’t include gifts in cards sent to her children; played favorites with her children…did not send care packages until his sixth semester away at college…changed her surname, thus ‘causing attention’ at her daughter’s school events; and refused to buy her a homecoming dress.”
Poor babies…. Let’s see, now. I didn’t get a care package, ever. And my mother never bought me a homecoming dress, either. Or a tux, which would have fit me better. Or even rent me one. Hmm….
Everyone’s a critic, too. Opinions, though, are as ubiquitous as certain body parts; no one is obligated to hear or view either.
Woman sues over movie trailer; says not enough driving in ‘Drive’. A Michigan woman who claims she was misled by the trailers for the movie ‘Drive’ is suing the distributors of the film. She says she was disappointed by the lack of driving in the film and was expecting something more similar to the ‘Fast and Furious’ films.
Back to misbehaving mothers:
Mom files suit against exclusive preschool over child’s college prospects. A New Yorker is suing a private preschool, saying the school’s curriculum has seriously hurt her 4-year-old’s chances of getting into an Ivy League college.
This assumes an Ivy League education is a worthy goal. If the private preschool is living up to Mom’s allegations, they’re actually doing little Buffy a favor. Oh, great—now the Ivy Leaguers are going to sue….
All I can say about the next one is that it’s a good thing he didn’t pull either one of these stunts in Texas.
Man sues bar for not disarming him before he started drinking (and fighting). A Pennsylvania man illegally brought a gun into a bar, then got injured in a drunken shootout with another patron, and now has sued the bar for not searching him for a weapon on his way in.
Finally, there’s this.
Mother sues Chuck E. Cheese – says games encourage gambling in children. A California woman has filed a lawsuit against Chuck E. Cheese on the grounds that their games are actually an illegal form of gambling and could get kids hooked. She is seeking at least $5 million; the restaurant says the games are legal and has asked a judge to dismiss the suit.
I played bingo in grade school, matched pennies in junior high, and played poker all through high school. Nine to two Mom (what is it about mothers?) loses this one.
…just because I feel like something light, today.
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Two blonde guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today.”
—–
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Dakota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in South Dakota. We settle small disagreements like this with the “Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
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Q: A Greek, a Spaniard, and an Italian walk into a bar for drinks. Who pays?
A: The German.