Here’s the thing: no one has satisfactorily explained the motive for President John Kennedy’s murder. What was Oswald up to?

New research and more accurate interpretation of existing data have revealed the answer, and as a side effect explained an additional murder. Recall that JFK liked the ladies, including especially his wife Jacqueline and the actress Marilyn Monroe. In the end, though, Kennedy decided he’d rather Marilyn than Jackie: what was he to do?

Recall also, Kennedy’s fecklessness during the Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis. He had no hope of planning any sort of switch. So baby brother Bobby stepped in. He contracted a hit on Jackie so the widowed President could take up, openly, with his preferred lady.

Come Dallas on that fateful day, and it turns out the sharp shooter, Lee Harvey Oswald, wasn’t all that—he missed, and hit Kennedy instead.

But wait; there’s more. Jackie got wind of the deal. It took her awhile, but in 1968, her own contract, set up through some Greek connections she’d been able to reach, was executed, and Brother Bobby was murdered in Los Angeles. After that, under cover of her remark, “If they’re killing Kennedys, then my children are targets…. I want to get out of this country,” she did so, and four months later married a Greek shipping…entrepreneur.

The murders of the two Kennedy brothers explained.

Aside: someone has advised this author that this theory ranks with the one that says the Royals offed Princess Diana.

It’s time for another installment in my quasi-aperiodic series of allegedly humorous posts. Read ’em, and weep.

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.”
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, “The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.”

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

The Doctor said, “I’ve got some bad news, your DNA is backwards.”
I said, “…and?”

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Mike Snifferpippets.
Mike Snifferpippets who?
Oh come on, how many Mike Snifferpippets do you know? Now let me in, it’s cold out.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman.

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

A search and rescue team was assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank you, God!” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
“You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive but, my God, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

And finally….

Q. What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A. Stuck.

Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because they would look funny with a suitcase.

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A. Ever tried to iron an elephant?

Again.  This time for the high-brow among you.

Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a beer.  The phone rings.  Pavlov jumps up shouting, “Oh, shit—I forgot to feed the dog!”

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.  And doesn’t.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”
The Higgs Boson replies, “But you can’t have mass without me.”

The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and get a loaf of bread.  And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”  The programmer returned from the store with 12 loaves of bread.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.  The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.  The policeman says, “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 80 mph?”
The electron replies, “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?
A: Attempted murder.

At least, that’s what I call them.  It’s joke time, again.  Even though my wife objects….

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

 

A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey where’d you get the pig?”

The women says “This isn’t a pig it’s a duck.”

The bartender says “No, I was talking to the duck!”

 

Two penguins walk into a bar…a third penguin says “You’d have thought the second one would have seen it.”

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?

A: So she wouldn’t fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

 

Q: What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

Q: What’s the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

And, finally….

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.