…of the Obama recovery and the campaign season to see who should replace him, it’s time for some economist jokes. Live with it.

“Give me a one-handed economist,” demanded a frustrated American president. “All my economists say, ‘on the one hand…on the other'”.

 

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, “Lets smash the can open with a rock.” The chemist says, “Let’s build a fire and heat the can first.” The economist says, “Let’s assume that we have a can-opener….”

 

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. The man tells the shepherd, “I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock.” The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock, so he takes the bet. “973,” says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. He says “OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal.” The man picks one up and begins to walk away. “Wait,” cries the shepherd, “Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation.” The man says sure. “You are an economist for a government think tank,” says the shepherd. “Amazing!” responds the man, “You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?”

“Well,” says the shepherd, “put down my dog, and I will tell you.”

 

Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn’t fire, but shouted in triumph, “We got it! We got it!”

 

A civil engineer, a chemist, and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. “I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn,” the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they’re awakened by a knock. It’s the engineer, who says, “There’s a cow in that barn. I’m a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal.” The chemist says that, OK, he’ll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It’s the chemist who says, “There’s a pig in that barn. I’m Jewish and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal.” So the economist is sent to the barn. It’s getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep, but they’re awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: it’s the cow and the pig.

…once again, to harass you with my sense of humor. Enjoy. Or suffer.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian’s attention, it squawks, “Book, book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day’s pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, “Book, book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), “Book, book, book, BOOK!” By now, the librarian’s curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, “Read it, read it, read it…”

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.

I was an only child…eventually.

A chicken walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve chickens here. Try the place across the road.”

An egg walks into a bar, looks around and sees the place is empty. The egg says to the bartender, “Looks like I beat everyone here this morning.” Bartender says, “Not really. The chicken came first.”

A square, a triangle, and a hexagon walk into a bar. Bartender says, “Looks like you guys could use a round.”

An id, an ego, and a superego walk into a bar. The superego says, “This place is dirty and disgusting! We should be ashamed of ourselves for setting foot in a dive like this!” The ego says, “That’s true, but it’s right next to our bus stop and the prices are very reasonable.” The id says, “Wow, look at the hooters on that waitress!”

And finally:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you heard the joke that doesn’t have a punch line?” Bartender says “No.”

It’s that time….

I don’t even get respect in my favorite bar. Last night I told the bartender to bring me the usual. He brought over a woman to reject me.

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

A man talking to God:

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”

A couple of things not to put on your resume:

Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.
Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.

And a couple of oldies:

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can’t do it, it’s a hardware problem.

…for more…humor. So here’s some.

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1.Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1.Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don’t see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale discount on the shoes with yellow soles.
A man walks into a bar and sees a cow serving behind the counter.
“What are you staring at?” says the cow. “Never seen a cow serving drinks before?”
“It’s not that,” replies the man. “I just never thought the moose would sell this place.”

And (mercifully) finally:

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking down the street one day. “I wonder if I’m still the most beautiful woman in all the land” said Snow White.

“I wonder if I’m still the shortest man in all the land” said Tom Thumb.

“I wonder if I’m still the ugliest man in all the land” said Quasimodo. So the three decided to go and visit the magic mirror who would tell them if they still held their titles. Each went in alone to consult the mirror and came out to tell the others what they had found out. “Yes, I’m still the most beautiful in all the land” said Snow White.

“Yes, I’m still the shortest in all the land” said Tom Thumb.

“Who the hell is Camilla Parker-Bowles?” said Quasimodo.