It’s that time….

I don’t even get respect in my favorite bar. Last night I told the bartender to bring me the usual. He brought over a woman to reject me.

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

The man starts to follow her and the boss says: “Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

A man talking to God:

The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”

A couple of things not to put on your resume:

Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.
Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.

And a couple of oldies:

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”
The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They can’t do it, it’s a hardware problem.

…for more…humor. So here’s some.

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1.Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1.Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?
A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.
Q: Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles?
A: So you don’t see them when they float upside down in a bowl of custard.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant floating upside down in a bowl of custard?
A: No, of course not.
Q: Why do elephants live in herds?
A: To get a wholesale discount on the shoes with yellow soles.
A man walks into a bar and sees a cow serving behind the counter.
“What are you staring at?” says the cow. “Never seen a cow serving drinks before?”
“It’s not that,” replies the man. “I just never thought the moose would sell this place.”

And (mercifully) finally:

Snow White, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were walking down the street one day. “I wonder if I’m still the most beautiful woman in all the land” said Snow White.

“I wonder if I’m still the shortest man in all the land” said Tom Thumb.

“I wonder if I’m still the ugliest man in all the land” said Quasimodo. So the three decided to go and visit the magic mirror who would tell them if they still held their titles. Each went in alone to consult the mirror and came out to tell the others what they had found out. “Yes, I’m still the most beautiful in all the land” said Snow White.

“Yes, I’m still the shortest in all the land” said Tom Thumb.

“Who the hell is Camilla Parker-Bowles?” said Quasimodo.

Here’s the thing: no one has satisfactorily explained the motive for President John Kennedy’s murder. What was Oswald up to?

New research and more accurate interpretation of existing data have revealed the answer, and as a side effect explained an additional murder. Recall that JFK liked the ladies, including especially his wife Jacqueline and the actress Marilyn Monroe. In the end, though, Kennedy decided he’d rather Marilyn than Jackie: what was he to do?

Recall also, Kennedy’s fecklessness during the Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis. He had no hope of planning any sort of switch. So baby brother Bobby stepped in. He contracted a hit on Jackie so the widowed President could take up, openly, with his preferred lady.

Come Dallas on that fateful day, and it turns out the sharp shooter, Lee Harvey Oswald, wasn’t all that—he missed, and hit Kennedy instead.

But wait; there’s more. Jackie got wind of the deal. It took her awhile, but in 1968, her own contract, set up through some Greek connections she’d been able to reach, was executed, and Brother Bobby was murdered in Los Angeles. After that, under cover of her remark, “If they’re killing Kennedys, then my children are targets…. I want to get out of this country,” she did so, and four months later married a Greek shipping…entrepreneur.

The murders of the two Kennedy brothers explained.

Aside: someone has advised this author that this theory ranks with the one that says the Royals offed Princess Diana.

It’s time for another installment in my quasi-aperiodic series of allegedly humorous posts. Read ’em, and weep.

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.”
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, “The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.”

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

The Doctor said, “I’ve got some bad news, your DNA is backwards.”
I said, “…and?”

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Mike Snifferpippets.
Mike Snifferpippets who?
Oh come on, how many Mike Snifferpippets do you know? Now let me in, it’s cold out.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman.

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

A search and rescue team was assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank you, God!” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
“You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive but, my God, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

And finally….

Q. What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A. Stuck.

Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because they would look funny with a suitcase.

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A. Ever tried to iron an elephant?