Yes, they are, too, funny. I say so.

The Symphony Orchestra was performing a concert in the park and was in the middle of playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.
The bassists in the back of the orchestra had a while to spare before they had to play anything towards the conclusion of the piece. So they decided they while they waited, they would quickly run across the street to grab a few beers at the pub.
Because it was a windy day, first they wrapped some string around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Then they ran across the road to the pub and ordered their beers.
Once at the pub, while enjoying their beers, the bassists could easily hear the music of the rest of the orchestra, and keep up with the progress of the piece. After finishing their beer, the bassists decided that they had the time to enjoy a few more.
By the time they had finished four or five drinks, they realized that they had better hurry, because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. Unfortunately, two of the bassists had passed out, and had to be left behind.
The others stumbled back onto the bandstand. But in their inebriated state, they fumbled with the string, desperately trying to get it loose but without success.
The conductor saw what was happening and immediately saw the situation. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the bassists were loaded, and two men were out.

 

What do you get when an elephant skydives?
A big hole.

What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
About 5 mph.

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Great big holes all over Australia.

 

“I need a pencil sharpener,” said Tom bluntly.

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

 

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Because it’s Friday.

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia, and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue, he’s rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers…

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.
He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air—but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room—and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room—and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”

And finally,

Q. There were two elephants under one umbrella, why didn’t they get wet?
A. It wasn’t raining.

Q: How is an elephant like an apricot?
A: They are both gray. Well, except the apricot.

And it’s time for some humor.

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up for New Year’s. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

A woman took an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?” He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!” At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present. Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled The Meaning of Dreams.

A man who had too much to drink decides to walk home on New Year’s Eve. A policeman stopped the man and asked where he was going. “I’m on my way to a lecture,” the man replied. The cop scoffed, “Who gives lectures on New Year’s Eve?” The man answered: “My wife.”

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

My resolution was to read more, so I put the subtitles on on my TV.

How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
1. age
2. remaining levels of optimism
3. threshold of pain
– Joseph Connolly

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again???
– Jake Vig ‏@Jake_Vig

Finally, some few readers might wonder why I don’t do a retrospective of the year just concluding. Why I don’t are illustrated as follows:

That great American philosopher, Satchel Paige:

Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.

And this, from Italian racing (or so I’ve heard), but that has wide applicability:

What’s behind me is not important.

Finally, finally, this bit, counter-tenor, from Michael Jordan:

I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

Because it’s time, again….

Two men are going golfing, when one stops by the pro shop…
“I need to get a sleeve of balls, you want me to pick you up some?”
“No thanks. I just need this one.”
“Just one ball? What if you hit it deep into the woods?”
“Well, it makes a whistle after you hit it. Can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“What is its dark and you hit it into a sand trap?”
“Well, it glows in the dark. Can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“What if you hit it into the water? You’ll never find it.”
“Well, it floats. I’m telling you, you can’t lose it. I only need this one.”
“Wow. That’s some ball. Where’d you get it?”
“Oh, I found it.”

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic. A chicken walks up to him and says, “Don’t do it, man. You’ll never hear the end of it.”

My grandmother’s last words before she kicked the bucket were, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Why can’t dinosaurs clap? Because they’re dead.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

A man walks into a bar and sees a bunch of people waiting to get refreshments. He asks the bartender, “Is this really the punch line?”

As I get older, and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

And finally, an oldie but goodie for the woke teachers:

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.
She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask Jonah.”
The teacher replied, “What if Jonah went to Hell?”
The girl said: “Then you ask him.”