Answering a question about the status of fiscal cliff negotiations, President Barack Obama said that his Republican colleagues oppose compromising with him because they oppose him personally, not because of the substance of any deal.
I don’t know if that just has to do with, you know, it is very hard for them to say yes to me. But, you know, at some point they’ve got to take me out of it, and think about their voters.
No worries, though. You’re likeable enough, Barack.
We Americans don’t get enough. So here’s one to help us do better in our modern, digital world. Disclaimer: You might want to take it easy on this one at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program. OK, here we go:
SCROLL DOWN…
NOW SCROLL UP…
That’s enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.
Or at least what passes for it in my house, with my very patient wife.
A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What do you want?”
The fish croaks, “Water.”A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. “Don”t you want the others?” asks the barman. “You”ve only had three of your whiskies.”
“Best not,” replies the man. “My doctor said it was only okay to have the odd drink.”Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked, that’s why I’m knocking!I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
Captain Aubrey: “Do you see those two weevils, Doctor?…Which would you choose?”
Dr. Maturin: “Neither. There’s not a scrap of difference between them. They’re the same species of Curculio.”
Captain Aubrey: “If you had to choose. If you were forced to make a choice. If there were no other option.”
Dr. Maturin: “Well, then, if you’re going to push me. I would choose the right-hand weevil. It has significant advantage in both length and breadth.”
Captain Aubrey: “There, I have you!…. Do you not know that in the Service, one must always choose the lesser of two weevils?”A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
And finally (mercifully?)
Q: How many elephants will fit into a Mini?
A: Four: Two in the front, two in the back.Q: How many giraffes will fit into a Mini?
A: None. It’s full of elephants.Q: How do you get two whales in a Mini?
A: Along the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.Q: How do you know there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can hear giggling when the light goes out.Q: How do you know there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
A: You can’t close the door.Q: How do you know there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
A: There’s an empty Mini parked outside.