And it’s the season….

I’ve been so bored this week that I just memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!”
I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Notice t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord “‌‌nothing” i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome.
Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells “‌‌gnihton,” w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.

What is black and white and red all over?
An elephant dressed as a nun suffering from sunburn.

Four blind elephants encounter a human, who is a creature they’ve never seen before. Wishing to learn about this creature, one decides to feel him. He reports that humans are flat. The other three then investigate, also, and they agree.

What is gray, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse going on vacation.

What is brown, has four legs, and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from vacation.

What has eight legs, two trunks, four eyes, and two tails?
Two elephants.

What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
“Look, a herd of elephants in the distance.”
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
Nothing. He doesn’t recognize them.
What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
“Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!”

Tarzan comes home after a hard day and asks Jane to mix him a martini.
He’s hardly sat down before he’s finished it and he asks Jane to mix him another, and being a caring, nurturing mate, she does so. Again, Tarzan makes it disappear and asks (nicely enough, to be fair) for still another one.
At this, Jane arches a delicate eyebrow and says “Three martinis? Before dinner?”
“Jane, you don’t understand,” sighs Tarzan. “It’s a jungle out there!”

A performative poet of Hibernia
Rhymed himself into a hernia.
He became quite adept
At this practice, except
For the occasional non-sequitur.

It’s that time. Because I say so.

How do you put an elephant inside a fridge?
I don’t know.
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.

How do you put a donkey inside the fridge?
It’s easy, you just open the fridge and put it in.
No, you open the fridge, take out the elephant, then put the donkey in.

If all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party, and one animal went missing which one would it be?
The lion, of course, because it would eat all the animals.
No, it’s the donkey because it’s still inside the fridge.

If there’s a river full of crocodiles, and you wanted to cross, how would you?
I would need a boat to cross.
No, you just swim across because all the animals went to the lion’s birthday party.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A: A stick.

A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?

And finally,

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don’t make sense.
Refrigerator.

Because we need some.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes….

That’s enough of that.

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.
The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe.
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there,” says Bob.
“Like what?” asks Joe.
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?” says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”
The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical,” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards,” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.”
Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
“I don’t get it,” says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really,” says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices, but as he’s about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” And they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.
She says to the man “I can’t believe what I’m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal.”
The man replied “Nah, Lady, this cat’s not clever at all; I’m beating it 6 games to 1.”

Especially on this day….

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking.”
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial.”

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar; the Minister ducked.

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you,” the barman says.
The NSA agent smiles. “Heard it.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
Grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Larry?”

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

And finally,

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?