For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”

You are my sweet Valentine. I like you like a fat kid likes cake.

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

If there’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day…it’s my wife.

What is the difference between a calendar and you?
A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember… Nobody loves you on any other day either.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you’re single. You’re going to die alone anyway.

I am not scared of getting dumped on Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14^th.

Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Because it’s time, again.

Just to start things off, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

OK, that’s enough of that.

Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.

What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you….”

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the shopkeeper.
“Yes,” I replied. “And they have little heads, too.”

What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.

Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.

How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What’s big and gray and has horns?
An elephant marching band.

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, Mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can’t outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!”
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive….”

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To who?
It’s actually “to whom.”

And for the rest of you grammar nazis, understand that it’s

i before e … except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Yes, they are, too, funny. I say so.

The Symphony Orchestra was performing a concert in the park and was in the middle of playing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony.
The bassists in the back of the orchestra had a while to spare before they had to play anything towards the conclusion of the piece. So they decided they while they waited, they would quickly run across the street to grab a few beers at the pub.
Because it was a windy day, first they wrapped some string around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Then they ran across the road to the pub and ordered their beers.
Once at the pub, while enjoying their beers, the bassists could easily hear the music of the rest of the orchestra, and keep up with the progress of the piece. After finishing their beer, the bassists decided that they had the time to enjoy a few more.
By the time they had finished four or five drinks, they realized that they had better hurry, because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. Unfortunately, two of the bassists had passed out, and had to be left behind.
The others stumbled back onto the bandstand. But in their inebriated state, they fumbled with the string, desperately trying to get it loose but without success.
The conductor saw what was happening and immediately saw the situation. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the bassists were loaded, and two men were out.

 

What do you get when an elephant skydives?
A big hole.

What was the elephant doing on the freeway?
About 5 mph.

Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn’t fall into the hot chocolate.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Great big holes all over Australia.

 

“I need a pencil sharpener,” said Tom bluntly.

“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.

 

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”