Category Archives: humor

Jokes, Again

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Because it’s time….

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I don’t have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my television.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, IL. When I was twelve, I found them.

A man cut his thumb off with the bandsaw in his home workshop. Some responses by family:

Visiting him in the hospital, his wife says, “You just gonna lay there and twiddle your thumbs all day?”

Daughter: Rule of thumb: look before you cut.

Son: Doc says it shouldn’t affect your hand, but don’t count on it.

Wife again: Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, you could count how many times this happened on one hand.

 

Q. How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A. The blueberry is blue.

Q: How can you tell the difference between and elephant and a marshmallow?
A. The elephant won’t float when you put it into a cup of hot chocolate.

Q: What’s large, grey, and you can’t see it?
A: An elephant around the corner.

And finally—or maybe at last:

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they’re not laughing now.

Oh, The Unfairness Of It All

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Much is being made of the existence of 29 February—that leap day in this leap year—and its effects on various costs and accounting requirements. Even The Wall Street Journal devoted 1,000 words to the subject last Friday. After all, this lengthening of the year by a quarter of a percent has all that inconvenience of figuring the costs—including whether those costs matter—of that extra day.

But these are just that: inconveniences, which corporate CFOs and small business owners have long since figured out how to handle.

But the unfairness of the day, the unequal treatment folks suffer through from the existence of that day, that gets ignored.

Salaried employees will work these 366 days for the same wage they get for other years’ 365 days. They’re working the extra day for free. Hourly wage employees, however, will get that extra day’s wage.

When I was stationed at a remote radar site in northern Alaska—a geographically isolated location that was, by design, a one year assignment at the end of which I’d be reassigned to a non-isolated location for a longer term—I was at that site during a leap year: I had to be there for 366 days. Folks whose assignments ended by 28 February or earlier, and folks who didn’t arrive until March or later only had to serve 365 days.

Folks born on 29 February of any year only get a birthday at a quarter of the rate folks born on any other day of the year get one. They must suffer the indignity of having artificial birthdays, if they’re to be allowed to celebrate as often as their buds who were born on 28 February or 1 March. Of course, in compensation, those 29 February babies age at a quarter of the rate that mere mortals do.

And last, and worst, my wife, my dear lady, has to go 366 days between Valentine’s Days, wondering for an extra day whether she still is my Valentine.

Some Valentine’s Day Remarks

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For the last twenty years, I’ve received a Valentine’s Day card from the same secret admirer.
So, I was upset when I didn’t get one this year.
First my granny dies, now this?

My wife rang me at work on Valentine’s Day.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received bunches of flowers. They’re absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve been sent flowers then.”

You are my sweet Valentine. I like you like a fat kid likes cake.

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

Me: “Honey, on this Valentine’s Day, I want to tell you something… I’m not rich like Jack, I don’t have a mansion like Russell or a Porsche like Martin. But, I do love you and want to marry you.”
My lady: “Oh, dear…I love you too…But, what was that you said about Martin?”

If there’s one thing I hate about Valentine’s Day…it’s my wife.

What is the difference between a calendar and you?
A calendar has a date on Valentine’s Day.

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember… Nobody loves you on any other day either.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Don’t worry if you’re single. You’re going to die alone anyway.

I am not scared of getting dumped on Valentine’s Day. I don’t have a girlfriend.

Do I have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, February 14th.

Me: “I love you.”
You: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Me: “It’s me talking to the wine.”

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards.  The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.

Lightning Strikes

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Wind farms are the major attractors of them, too.

Lightning detection networks spotted billions of bolts in 2023, but an analysis of the electricity found patterns to Mother Nature’s madness.
Vaisala, a global technology company, said wind farms, tall buildings and the Miami metro were all top targets of thunderstorms during the past year.

This, in particular:

Analysts said wind farms in Texas and Oklahoma topped its annual report for most strikes, with some farms even seeing 1,000 encounters with electricity from the sky.

Maybe even Mother Nature thinks wind farms are a bad idea. Or they are fun toys to take pot shots at.

Plebe’s Humor

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Because it’s time, again.

Just to start things off, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

OK, that’s enough of that.

Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.

What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you….”

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the shopkeeper.
“Yes,” I replied. “And they have little heads, too.”

What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.

Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.

How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.

What’s big and gray and has horns?
An elephant marching band.

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, Mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can’t outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!”
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive….”

Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
To.
To who?
It’s actually “to whom.”

And for the rest of you grammar nazis, understand that it’s

i before e … except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.