Because We Need a Chance to Laugh

Some post-election humor….

On a recent retirement:

John Pistole, TSA Administrator, at his retirement party: his employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.

And

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A couple of NSA pick-up lines:

Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.

I know exactly where you have been all my life.

On computer viruses:

Here We Go Again

Because.  Just because.

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal a while ago, here some other mergers we might expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, JC Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Jokes

Because it’s time.  Deal.

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: Ninety dollars.
Patient: Ninety dollars for just a few minutes’ work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.

A guy goes to a doctor’s office and the doctor says, “I haven’t seen you for a while.”
The guy says, “I know, I’ve been sick.”

At This Stage

…of the Obama recovery and the campaign season to see who should replace him, it’s time for some economist jokes. Live with it.

“Give me a one-handed economist,” demanded a frustrated American president. “All my economists say, ‘on the one hand…on the other'”.

 

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, “Lets smash the can open with a rock.” The chemist says, “Let’s build a fire and heat the can first.” The economist says, “Let’s assume that we have a can-opener….”

It’s Time

…once again, to harass you with my sense of humor. Enjoy. Or suffer.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian’s attention, it squawks, “Book, book, book, BOOK!”

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day’s pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, “Book, book, book, BOOK!”

Murder Free Zones?

Does Portland State University disagree with the concept of murder free zones?

It seems that a couple of students at PSU wanted to “set up a table on campus” to advocate for the school becoming a Murder Free Zone. The school said, “No, probably not.”

The school insisted that the students hosting the table would themselves become targets of violence: their advocacy of murder free-ness would be “triggering,” it would incite overt violence; the school even suggested that if the thing went forward, the students should have campus security be present to quell any violence that might be triggered.

Jokes, Again

It’s that time….

I don’t even get respect in my favorite bar. Last night I told the bartender to bring me the usual. He brought over a woman to reject me.

Two factory workers talking:

Woman: “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
Man: “And how would you do that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

Boss comes in: “What are you doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”

JFK’s Murder Solved?

Here’s the thing: no one has satisfactorily explained the motive for President John Kennedy’s murder. What was Oswald up to?

New research and more accurate interpretation of existing data have revealed the answer, and as a side effect explained an additional murder. Recall that JFK liked the ladies, including especially his wife Jacqueline and the actress Marilyn Monroe. In the end, though, Kennedy decided he’d rather Marilyn than Jackie: what was he to do?

Recall also, Kennedy’s fecklessness during the Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis. He had no hope of planning any sort of switch. So baby brother Bobby stepped in. He contracted a hit on Jackie so the widowed President could take up, openly, with his preferred lady.

A Man Jumped a Fence

…surrounding the White House Friday night and was able to get all the way inside the White House before he was stopped. A little birdie has told me how the penetrator was able to get so far.

The Secret Service successfully detected the man as he was climbing the fence, and they responded to him promptly. They committed their initial effort at stopping him to remonstrating with him as he moved across the lawn: this is the sort of thing that was done in the 19th century; such things are unseemly in the 21st. The man was on the wrong side of history, and his effort was doomed to failure, anyway. And so on.