Again.  This time for the high-brow among you.

Pavlov is sitting in a bar enjoying a beer.  The phone rings.  Pavlov jumps up shouting, “Oh, shit—I forgot to feed the dog!”

Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar.  And doesn’t.

A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”
The Higgs Boson replies, “But you can’t have mass without me.”

The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and get a loaf of bread.  And if they have eggs, get a dozen.”  The programmer returned from the store with 12 loaves of bread.

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage.  The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.  The policeman says, “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 80 mph?”
The electron replies, “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?
A: Attempted murder.

At least, that’s what I call them.  It’s joke time, again.  Even though my wife objects….

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

 

A woman walks into a bar and the bartender says “Hey where’d you get the pig?”

The women says “This isn’t a pig it’s a duck.”

The bartender says “No, I was talking to the duck!”

 

Two penguins walk into a bar…a third penguin says “You’d have thought the second one would have seen it.”

Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth.

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmallow?

A: So she wouldn’t fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.

 

Q: What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

Q: What’s the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

And, finally….

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: Why did the elephant paint its fingernails red?
A: So it could hide in the strawberry patch.

Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.

***

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office.  The doctor asks the moth, “What seems to be the problem?”

The moth says, “Doc, I don’t know where to start.  I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time.  I’ve been at the same job for twenty years and I don’t just hate it, I’m revolted by it.  I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I’m in debt up to my compound eyes.  The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick.  I’ve grown apart from my wife.  She’s no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her.  Doc, it just eats me up inside.  My daughter’s shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can’t stand who’s terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won’t listen to reason and it breaks my heart.  And my son…  Doc, I just don’t know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself.  I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine.  I can’t even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out.  I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss.”

The podiatrist says to the moth, “You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I’m just a podiatrist.  You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even.  Why did you come to me?”

The moth says, “The light was on.”

***

In my life I’ve been through plenty.  When I was three years old, my parents got a dog.  I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.  He told me to keep out of those places.

I was so ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

***

A performative poet of Hibernia
Rhymed himself into a hernia
He became quite adept
At this practice, except
For the occasional non-sequitur

Finally:

Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.

Q: Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake?
A: Because he couldn’t hold his beer.

A chicken walks into a bar.  The bartender says, “We don’t serve poultry.”
The chicken says, “That’s OK I just want a drink.”

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey.  When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, “Where is everybody?”
The bartender replied, “They’ve gone to the hanging.”
“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”
“Brown Paper Pete,” the bartender replied.
“What kind of a name is that?” the cowboy asked.
“Well,” said the bartender, “he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes.”
“Weird guy,” said the cowboy.  “What are they hanging him for?”
“Rustling,” said the bartender.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken’s day off.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of the water?
A: Wet.
Q: How do you get two elephants out of the water?
A: One by one.

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look, a herd of elephants in the distance.”
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses?
A: Nothing.  He doesn’t recognize them.
Q: What’s the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A: An elephant is grey.
Q: What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: “Look!  A herd of plums in the distance”—Jane is color blind.