Your momma’s so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Your momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Your mamma is so fat she doesn’t need the internet, because she’s already world wide.

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up.”

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the Elephant was having a day off.

What grey, has a wand, huge wings, and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy.

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts

A man, his son and a dog walk into a bar.
“Ow!”
“Ow!”
“Woof!”

A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

Two guys are walking their dogs, a black lab and a Chihuahua. Passing a bar, the “lab” walker says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The other: “We can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first: “Watch.” In he goes and orders a beer.
“Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing eye dog.”
“Oh. Sorry. Here’s your beer.”
The other guy follows, orders a beer; same response: no dogs allowed.
“He’s my seeing eye dog.”
“Yeah, right. A Chihuahua? Give me a break.”
“They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!”

It’s that time.  Suffer.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling.

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.

Why did the elephant cross the road?  Because the chicken wanted a day off.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, can he get a free beer? The bartender says all right. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar says, “That’s amazing; I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.” The man agrees, and the guy takes off. The bartender says to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.” The man says, “Frogs are easy to come by; hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Via Heatstreet (the article in front of this bit, on a separate matter, is worth the read, too: if it doesn’t angrify you, it’ll amuse you terribly).

Some post-election humor….

On a recent retirement:

John Pistole, TSA Administrator, at his retirement party: his employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.

And

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A couple of NSA pick-up lines:

Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.

I know exactly where you have been all my life.

On computer viruses:

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus.” Instead, it’s an “electronic microorganism”

Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.