Because we need some.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don’t even own bikes….

That’s enough of that.

Bob and Joe are walking home late one night and they pass a graveyard. Bob suggests taking a shortcut through it but the Joe has to meet someone elsewhere so they part company.
The next day they meet up.
“You made it through the graveyard then?” says Joe.
“Yeah, but you’re right there’s something creepy going on in there,” says Bob.
“Like what?” asks Joe.
“Well, I could hear this really strange sound, like music being played backwards.”
“Really?” says Joe, “Tell you what, why don’t I get my tape recorder and we’ll cut through there tonight, see if we can record it?”
The next day they meet up again and Joe plays the tape.
“That sounds classical,” say Bob.
“Yeah, it’s Beethoven’s 9th symphony – I’m playing the tape backwards,” says Joe, “And I found out where it’s coming from, come and see.”
Joe leads Bob back to the graveyard and up to a grave marked “Ludwig van Beethoven.”
“I don’t get it,” says Bob, “Why is the music coming out backwards?”
“It’s obvious really,” says Joe, “He’s decomposing.”

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution, “This guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices, but as he’s about to run, he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea. He says loudly, “Mmm…that was some good lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says, “Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can.” Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened. The lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll get him together.” And they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened. He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…”

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat.
She says to the man “I can’t believe what I’m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal.”
The man replied “Nah, Lady, this cat’s not clever at all; I’m beating it 6 games to 1.”

Especially on this day….

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking.”
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial.”

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar; the Minister ducked.

“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you,” the barman says.
The NSA agent smiles. “Heard it.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar, bartender says, “Hey we have a drink named after you.”
Grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Larry?”

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

And finally,

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

…just to extend the holiday a bit. Along that line, this is the only post for today.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

As one frog said to the other, “How time is fun when you are having flies.”

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar; the Minister ducked.

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they’ve got a little poker game going — only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town’s strict anti-gambling laws. So they’re hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody’s kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.
“Look,” he says, “just tell me you weren’t gambling, and I’ll let you go.”
“Well,” says the priest, “gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative …” and so on.
“Fine,” says the judge, “You can go.”
The minister steps up. “It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really ..” and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.
“Well?” asks the judge. “Rabbi, were you gambling?”
The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. “Gambling? With who?”

A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Oh come on! We don’t serve chickens in here!”
The chicken says, “Do you know somewhere that does?”
The bartender says, “Yeah.”
The chicken asks, “Well, where is it?”
The bartender says, “It’s across the road.”

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”
That’s about as far as I remember.

…for the fun of it. My wife yells at me over elephant jokes, so here are these, instead.

Anansi the spider had a run in with a mosquito, a fly, and a moth.  To determine a winner, Anansi challenged them to a liar’s contest.
Mosquito tells a story of how he plants and harvests his father’s crops because he was very ill.  And to think he did all of this work before he was even born.  Anansi believed the story.
Fly’s story was he attacked a tiger, turning him inside out, freeing a sheep that the tiger swallowed whole.  Anansi believed fly’s story.
Moth told of his hunting expedition where he killed, then cooked an antelope in a high tree.  He was so full he could not climb down the tree to go home. So he got a rope from his house and lowered himself down from the tree and went home.  Again, Anansi believed the story.
Now Anansi told this story. He found a coconut and planted it. Overnight, the plant produced a tree with three coconuts. Chopping open the coconuts, from each flew a mosquito, a fly, and a moth.  Because the coconuts belonged to him its treasure belonged to him. So he decided to each them, but they flew away.
Anansi told them it was his lucky day because they were his mosquito, fly, and moth.  Knowing they had lost the contest, the three flew away in different directions.
Now if Anansi catches them in his web, he eats them as a reward for winning the liar’s contest.

I worked all morning building the best ground blind of my life. When I went out in the afternoon to go bow hunting I couldn’t find it.

I grew up in a family with 16 children. I never got to sleep alone until I got married.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

My grandson is the most persuasive liar I gave ever met. By the time he was 2 years old he could dirty his diaper and make his mother believe someone else had done it.

Recently I bought a new car. As usual, they filled the gas tank. My wife and I decided to take a trip to California, so we took off heading west. Our first stop was St Louis where I thought of filling up with gas. Checking the gas gauge, I saw it showed full so we went on. We continued west and at all points along the way the gas gauge continued to indicate full, so I didn’t buy any gas. We spent ten days in Los Angeles and then returned home. I was bewildered as to why I could go so many miles without adding gas.
Upon getting home I took the car back to the dealership where a mechanic soon found the problem. The gauge was stuck on full. He fixed it, and now the gauge drops toward empty when I drive, like everyone else’s.

My grandfather could hone a kitchen knife so sharp that grandma could slice off a piece of bread so thin it only had one side. To put butter on, you had to fold it first.

Your sister is so thin, she plays hula hoop with a Cheerio.

…for some humor.  Bear with me.

Many years ago I was in Wyoming elk hunting with a guide in prime grizzly-bear territory. Camped in an area with a host of bear tracks in the surrounding snow, I asked one evening how to stay safe from grizzly bears.
“First, tie bells to your shoes so they can hear you. Second, learn the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.”
I asked about the scatological difference.
“Grizz scat has bells in it.”

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a bear walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the bear’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the bear. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a bear sitting next to him.
“Are you a bear?” asked the man, surprised.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The bear replied, “Well, I liked the book.”

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”
The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”
The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risqué.”
“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs and the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.”
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
“Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.
The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.”
“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”