Because it’s time, again.
Just to start things off, keep in mind that there’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
OK, that’s enough of that.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
Because it scares their dogs.
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickleback.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you….”
I went into a store to buy some books about turtles.
“Hardbacks?” asked the shopkeeper.
“Yes,” I replied. “And they have little heads, too.”
What goes down but never goes up?
An elephant in an elevator.
Why do elephants need trunks?
Because they don’t have handbags.
How can you tell if an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
What’s big and gray and has horns?
An elephant marching band.
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then, Mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him.
He books it, but he knows he can’t outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, “Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!”
The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, “Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive….”
It’s actually “to whom.”
And for the rest of you grammar nazis, understand that it’s
i before e … except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.