Because it’s time….

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

I don’t have a girlfriend; I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my television.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, IL. When I was twelve, I found them.

A man cut his thumb off with the bandsaw in his home workshop. Some responses by family:

Visiting him in the hospital, his wife says, “You just gonna lay there and twiddle your thumbs all day?”

Daughter: Rule of thumb: look before you cut.

Son: Doc says it shouldn’t affect your hand, but don’t count on it.

Wife again: Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, you could count how many times this happened on one hand.

Q. How can you tell the difference between an elephant and a blueberry?
A. The blueberry is blue.

Q: How can you tell the difference between and elephant and a marshmallow?
A. The elephant won’t float when you put it into a cup of hot chocolate.

Q: What’s large, grey, and you can’t see it?
A: An elephant around the corner.

And finally—or maybe at last:

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they’re not laughing now.