It’s that time.  Suffer.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

What do you call an elephant at the North Pole? Lost.

How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed? When your nose touches the ceiling.

What do you call an elephant in a phone booth? Stuck.

Why did the elephant cross the road?  Because the chicken wanted a day off.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he can show him something unbelievable, can he get a free beer? The bartender says all right. So the man puts a hamster and two frogs on the bar and all of a sudden the two frogs jump up and start into a Broadway medley. Well, a man at the end of the bar says, “That’s amazing; I’ll give you $1,000 for the frogs.” The man agrees, and the guy takes off. The bartender says to him, “You could have gotten more for the frogs.” The man says, “Frogs are easy to come by; hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

Via Heatstreet (the article in front of this bit, on a separate matter, is worth the read, too: if it doesn’t angrify you, it’ll amuse you terribly).

Some post-election humor….

On a recent retirement:

John Pistole, TSA Administrator, at his retirement party: his employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.

And

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A couple of NSA pick-up lines:

Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.

I know exactly where you have been all my life.

On computer viruses:

Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:>

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a “virus.” Instead, it’s an “electronic microorganism”

Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Because.  Just because.

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal a while ago, here some other mergers we might expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, JC Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”
The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, “Exactly!”

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Doc, I can’t stop singing the “Green, Green Grass of Home.”
He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual,” he replied.

You’re welcome.