Your momma’s so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Your momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it’s still printing.

Your mamma is so fat she doesn’t need the internet, because she’s already world wide.

A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband, “What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up.”

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their age.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the Elephant was having a day off.

What grey, has a wand, huge wings, and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy.

What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts

A man, his son and a dog walk into a bar.
“Ow!”
“Ow!”
“Woof!”

A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

Two guys are walking their dogs, a black lab and a Chihuahua. Passing a bar, the “lab” walker says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The other: “We can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first: “Watch.” In he goes and orders a beer.
“Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing eye dog.”
“Oh. Sorry. Here’s your beer.”
The other guy follows, orders a beer; same response: no dogs allowed.
“He’s my seeing eye dog.”
“Yeah, right. A Chihuahua? Give me a break.”
“They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!”