It’s time for another installment in my quasi-aperiodic series of allegedly humorous posts. Read ’em, and weep.

A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there’s good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, “We’re going to have to remove your legs.”
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, “The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.”

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

The Doctor said, “I’ve got some bad news, your DNA is backwards.”
I said, “…and?”

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Mike Snifferpippets.
Mike Snifferpippets who?
Oh come on, how many Mike Snifferpippets do you know? Now let me in, it’s cold out.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman.

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out. The genie said “I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes.”
“Alright,” said the man, “I wish for more genies.”

A search and rescue team was assembled and sent on a mission to find an airplane that had crashed on top of a mountain. It was their duty to rescue any survivors. After finally reaching the top of the mountain, they came upon the crash site. At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team. “Thank you, God!” he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame.
“You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive but, my God, man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

And finally….

Q. What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A. Stuck.

Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Because they would look funny with a suitcase.

Q. Why do elephants have wrinkles?
A. Ever tried to iron an elephant?