Q: Why did the elephant paint its fingernails red?
A: So it could hide in the strawberry patch.
Q: How can you tell that an elephant is in the bathtub with you?
A: By the smell of peanuts on its breath.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a purple elephant?
A: Paint him red, hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
***
A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office. The doctor asks the moth, “What seems to be the problem?”
The moth says, “Doc, I don’t know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I’ve been at the same job for twenty years and I don’t just hate it, I’m revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I’m in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I’ve grown apart from my wife. She’s no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter’s shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can’t stand who’s terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won’t listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son… Doc, I just don’t know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can’t even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss.”
The podiatrist says to the moth, “You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I’m just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?”
The moth says, “The light was on.”
***
In my life I’ve been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
I was so ugly that when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
***
A performative poet of Hibernia
Rhymed himself into a hernia
He became quite adept
At this practice, except
For the occasional non-sequitur
Finally:
Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.